Unconventional advice

The other day, a school age child ran up to me and yelled, “he hurt me.” Thankfully, the educator and I had seen what happened. They were chasing each other. His friend got overexcited and pushed him.

So, I empathized with him and made sure everything was OK.

After a couple of minutes, he was back in good spirits. But he stood next to me waiting for something. Curious, I asked him if he needed help with anything? He said yes. He wanted an apology from his friend. So, I said “he’ll say it when he’s ready.”

His educator looked at me in shock and asked, “what happens if he doesn’t? “Then he won’t, I replied.This might sound unconventional, but I don’t promote forced apologies.

Why?

·      Because we all process things at our own speed.

·      And do we ever feel better after an insincere apology? They said sorry because it was the polite thing to do but really, it sounded more like sorry…not sorry. I know that always leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

·      Or what do we do if the child says no? Do we enter a power struggle? Meet resistance with resistance and amplify tension?

So, what’s the alternative she asked?

·      Check-in with the child to see if everything is OK. Offer your help. Brainstorm ideas of what he can do the next time.

·      Continue to care, love, and treat children with kindness.

They learn empathy, compassion, apologies and making amends by watching the caring adult’s behaviours in their lives. She was not a fan of this concept but promised she’d give it a try. She decided to focus on prevention and teaching the skill vs politeness.

Oddly enough, the next day, the child went up to his friend and said sorry and gave him a drawing. On his time, in his own way.

With all my love,

Alex