Role reversal

Last year, my behaviour consultant role was reversed.

My partner picked up our son from childcare and his educator shared that a peer choked our son.

As you can imagine, my partner was taken aback. 

When I got home from the gym, he quickly came to tell me what happened.

So, I asked my partner “what did you tell him?”

He replied, “I showed him how to defend himself.”

Instinctively, our reactions are to focus on self-defence. And of course, it’s important for children to be able to stop someone from hurting them but learning how to recognize and de-escalate conflict is more valuable.

I know sometimes when a challenging or unsafe behaviour happens, we look at the “what happened” but when we go further and look at the “why” it helps us understand which skills might be lagging.

For example, when two school age children are arguing about a toy, and one loses his cool and forcefully hurts his peer this showcases to us:

·      They probably struggle with impulse control.

·      They have low frustration tolerance.

·      They haven’t figured out an alternative.

As educators we have the privilege to transfer these abilities. Not only will this serve them tomorrow but way beyond.

As adults, most of us can relate to a time or two when we lost our cool with a friend, colleague or relative.  

And sometimes, we do our best not to replicate this.

So how do we help to prevent it in the future?

Here are a few ideas to get started.

1)  Practice non-verbal body language signals  

• Model how different emotions (e.g., anger, sadness, fear, happy, scared) affect our body language, facial expressions, and tone of our voice.

• Act out different emotions with the children.

• Ask them how their body language, tone of voice and facial expression change with each emotion.

2)  Discuss self-regulation.

• Talk about your go to calming tools when you feel big emotions bubble up.

• Ask them what helps them feel better.

• Practice different strategies together (e.g., breathing, jumping up and down, wall push ups, listening to music, retreating in chill zone, drawing, ripping paper, looking at books, putting on headphones, drinking through a straw, etc.).

3)  Problem solve conflict resolution.

• Provide examples of conflict scenarios.

• Brainstorm ideas to resolve the conflicts.

• Role play taking turns practicing the strategies discussed.

4)  Coach in the moment.

• Whenever you see children arguing, get closer.

• If you notice they’re having a hard time working it out, practice the skills you’ve discussed.

But of course, like everything important, it takes time, energy, practice, and lots of repetition.

With all my love,

Alex