Planned ignoring

Have you ever ignored a child’s challenging behaviour to sidestep a tantrum or meltdown?

Sometimes, this strategy proves helpful, but occasionally, it can be detrimental.

Let me explain.

The other day, I was with a preschool team reviewing data they had collected to understand a child’s challenging behaviours. The data allowed us to identify patterns, revealing struggles with asking for a turn, waiting, and sharing during outdoor play.

We discussed a couple of strategies and planned who would support him, and how.

However, one educator appeared apprehensive, expressing concerns about this change. She explained that, until now, there hadn't been much follow-through due to a desire to reduce the child's frustrations.

For example, if a peer wanted his toy, they would allow him to give it when he was ready. But, if he desired someone else’s toy, he could have it immediately, even if he grabbed, bit, or spat.

This approach may prevent immediate behavioural escalation, but upon reflection, does it truly help?

In the moment, we may feel relief for avoiding a tantrum, yet simultaneously, we miss an opportunity to help the child build essential skills.

Moreover, if this approach is employed frequently, it can lead to other implications. In this case, the child's peers were reluctant to play with him, observed running away as he approached, out of concern for potential harm or frustration. Educators, too, found themselves walking on eggshells around him, impacting their connection with him.

If we aim to assist children in progressing, learning, and acquiring skills for success, we must be willing to navigate through uncomfortable phases.

Admittedly, easier said than done; it can be overwhelming to shift gears. It's akin to when we first learn a skill, such as driving a car. None of us hopped into the driver's seat, reversed, grabbed coffee at a drive-thru, merged onto the highway, and parallel-parked seamlessly. There were moments of anxiety, fear, and doubt.

Fortunately, my instructor patiently guided me through the process, breaking it down into manageable steps.

Now, when I drive, it feels comfortable and automatic, thanks to belief, repetition, exposure, and practice.

Similarly, for a child learning something new, tension arises as they realize A doesn't equal B. They may attempt A multiple times, perhaps more intensely or frequently.

But with our modelling, coaching, and support, coupled with acknowledgment and celebration of their efforts, the child will start developing the necessary skills.

If progress falters, as with any great educator, we course-correct, make adjustments, and pivot.

Embracing the stickiness in between, welcoming big emotions, and acknowledging that tantrums or meltdowns are part of the learning curve in the beginning, allows us to inch closer to the day when these skills become automatic because we aided in their navigation.

With all my love,

Alex