Communicating with families

Recently, I competed in my first partner Crossfit competition. It was nerve-wracking. It was a combo of my least favorite things. Big crowds and people looking at you.

We had four (4) workouts. Unfortunately, I messed up big on the third one. This lost us a lot of points.

Later that night, my partner was telling me how well we did. Then he briefly brought up the one I tanked before going back to our wins.

All I could think was “Omg he just gave me a sandwich compliment!”

This happens when you receive a compliment followed by a negative and then another compliment.

I began to feel annoyed. Although he shared with me lots of positives, I fixated on the negative one. And then began ruminating on what I could’ve done better.

Can you relate?

If you answer yes, you’re not alone. This is because of a phenomenal called “negativity bias.”

Long story short, humans are wired to pay more attention to negatives vs positives in situations.

This is a good reminder for me when I communicate with children. Because when I share something unpleasant it impacts the relationship. 

Dr. John Gottman coined the term 5:1. His research concluded that to foster a stable relationship, we need 5 (five) positive interactions for every (1) negative interaction.

As educators, communicating children’s challenging behaviours with their parent/guardian is tricky because:

1)    We have limited time together.

2)    It heightens the parent/guardian stress response.

Are you thinking I’m going to say to “add more positives before sharing a negative”?

Ha! That would be annoying.

Instead, I’ll share with you a few tips when communicating children’s challenging behaviours to their parent/guardian:  

1)    Reflect why communicating this challenging behaviour is important. I know this might sound silly but it’s worth considering. For example:

·      “Was the challenging behaviour safe (e.g., no one was hurt)?” 

·      “Did it happen once or multiple times today?”

·      “Is it a new challenging behaviour?”

·      “Is it developmentally appropriate?”

·      “What outcome am I hoping for when sharing this information?”

·      “Which strategies am I using to prevent it?”

Because the event has passed, the coachable moment is too delayed. It is best the parent/guardian doesn’t discuss it with their child at home. Instead, we can focus on building the child’s skill tomorrow.

2)    If it’s significant, discuss the challenging or unsafe behaviour in private. I cannot stress this point enough. Sharing challenges in front of them makes the child feel shame. If we cannot discuss it in private, find an alternative way (e.g., ask a co-worker to watch the group while you discuss it with them, send an email, call them, or set up a meeting at a different time).

3)  Focus on problem solving together. The questions we ask influence results. Children’s parent/guardian have a wealth of information to share with us. When we collaborate with them, we can personalize our responses to meet their child’s unique needs. For example:

·      “Has there been any recent changes (e.g., medication, new teacher, move, new sibling, sleep disturbances, food intolerance, medical problems, divorce, death, etc.)?”

·      “Has this behaviour happened at home?”

·      “Is there something that triggers this behaviour?”

·      “Is there something I should be mindful of?”

·      “How do you support your child when this happens?”

·      “Do you have any concerns or questions for me?”

4)    Share what you’ll be doing to prevent the challenging behaviour. No one likes hearing about a problem without a plan for improvement. Communicating what you’ll do to support their child alleviates the parent/guardian’s stress. They’ll also likely be more responsive to collaborate with you. As a bonus they might use the same strategies at home.

5)  Table the topic for a while. After we’ve communicated how we will support their child, we can stop sharing their daily mishaps. As we know, it takes time to learn a new skill. The child will most likely engage in the challenging behaviour tomorrow, the next day and so on. So, the parent will become frustrated if we continue to focus on the negatives. If they ask, focus on what you’re continuing to do and the micro changes.

6)  Highlight the positives. Unfortunately, some parents/guardians hear more about the negatives than the positives when it comes to their child. All children do the best they can with what they have. Focusing on what they’re doing well is important. Here are a few ideas of positive behaviours to share if feeling stuck.

Waiting	Drawing	Sitting	Playing	Getting dressed
Lining up	Sharing	Asking for a turn	Asking for help	Putting toys away

Taking a few seconds to highlight one of their positive behaviours is beneficial. For example, “Johnny drew such a cool picture of a worm today.”, “Johnny waited for his friends and looked at books while waiting to go outside, he did a great job!”

Some educators I’ve supported would write one (1) positive behaviour on a post it. They would give it to the child to share with their parent at pick up. Every day, the parent had something to celebrate with their child.

7)  Reach out for help. Sometimes we collaborate with parents who are defensive. They don’t want to discuss their child’s progress or challenges. That’s ok. Although it makes it harder for us, we can choose to respect their choice. If ever it becomes difficult reach out to your supervisor for support. Together you’ll problem solve how to move forward.

I hope these tips will be supportive if ever you communicate children’s challenging behaviours with their parent/guardian.

With all my love,

Alex